Amazing Grace
by Canadino
Summary: on the ship back, Jack ponders the life before the island, filled with a church and a hall full of angelic voices...jacksimon


**Disclaimer: If Lord of the Flies were mine, I wouldn't need to write fanfics. If any of these songs were mine, I wouldn't be writing fanfics.**

Background music: Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace

Ralph held the styrofoam cup tightly with his hand. The hot cocoa glistened bright brown as steam rose from the cup. Maybe if he held it hot enough, the burning pain would go away. Not that burning pain had been the worst pain he'd felt these couple months.

Nodding slightly at the twins who had just run past him on his ship, Ralph continued down the hallway. Hmm…the twins' hair had been cut shorter. They'd probably had managed to nick a pair of scissors and give themselves a cut before reaching land. Well, could the crew blame them for wrecking havoc on this ship? After all, these people did save the survivors of the island.

Survivors. Such a dirty word since the ones who had died didn't deserve such a fate. The ones who lived…that was a different story.

Ralph pushed open the mess hall door as the boat tipped gently back and forth. Maurice had already been sea sick twice. The tables and chairs were empty except for one, being occupied by a tall, lanky redhead. And by the look of his head, the scissors the twins stole had been getting around.

"Hello."

Jack looked up, the hollowness the island instilled in him still in his eyes. However, the rivalry and bitterness inside of them had somehow eroded away; in the midst of adults and society, they saw the pettiness of their arguments and disagreements and both knew that they were not thinking clearly, that the clear water and bright sand had addled their minds. The boy merely nodded to show his acknowledgement and said no more. Ralph slid into the seat across from him.

"How are you feeling?"

Jack opened his mouth and closed it again with a total loss for words.

Ralph nodded, as if Jack had said it all. "I understand what you mean. It's a bit surreal for me too. I mean…we're finally saved."

There was a tender, raw silence, as if someone had ripped off the bandage and exposed the red skin beneath. After a while, Jack spoke.

"About…about…" The words nearly died in his mouth but he had to say them. "About them…"

Them meaning the two who hadn't made it.

Ralph nodded briskly, the authority he had gained on the island showing through. "Ah. Them. Well, I explained that they had been an accident and…"

"They weren't accidents!" Jack stood up, scooting the seat backward and slamming the table. Ralph looked up at him calmly and Jack was reminded of the chubby kid he always used to pick on. Ralph's expression let him calm down and he sat down again.

"They weren't accidents," Jack repeated.

"I know."

Jack was silent again and Ralph slipped out of his understanding Piggy-mode. Leaning forward, Ralph looked around for a minute. They were totally and utterly alone. "I didn't know you cared," he muttered quietly, saving Jack face. Jack was supposed to be the natural aggressive leader; to be admitting a weak spot was fatal.

"I did! Well…not for Piggy so much," Jack admitted. "I never really liked him much."

"But he was right." Ralph leaned back, watching Jack with light eyes. "He was right no matter if we wanted to hear it or not."

Jack didn't say anything and stared at the empty cup with dregs at the bottom.

"What about…" Ralph paused. "What about Simon?"

Jack looked up, the defeat in his eyes apparent, now mingled with a part of defense. "What about him?"

"I never really thought you liked him much either," Ralph said lightly. "I mean, like you said, he was always 'throwing a faint'."

Jack winced, the words coming back to him. "I didn't mean them in a mean kind of way."

"It sounded like it."

Jack stared at him before grabbing the paper cup. Holding it for a few seconds, Jack stared at the pure white cup and suddenly crushed it in his grasp. Ralph watched this silently as Jack held onto the crushed cup.

"It was his fault. It was his fault. He brought it on himself."

"Brought what onto himself?" Jack looked up and glared. Ralph was sounding rather like a therapist. And he would know; his parents had thought he might need to see a shrink for his 'anger issues'. God.

_Anger issues? That's just another word for 'human'. _

Jack slammed the table with his fist, the words flowing clear through his head. He thought that flashback was gone already, that he'd forgotten all about it. Guess not.

"What happened?" This was quiet, and not an order, something Ralph knew how to say. This was a quiet offer, imploring Jack to say more. It was so forceless that Jack could have pushed it aside and left the room, left Ralph to steam in his own thoughts and cocoa. But something about getting saved had drained him of his energy; talking would be much easier.

"It was…" Jack trailed off, running one hand through his badly cut hair. "You need a haircut."

"I know." Ralph pushed his long unruly hair off to the side, out of his face. It was now shoulder length. Maybe he'd get a go at those scissors. "Keep going."

Jack frowned. Ralph just wouldn't let it go, would he? Fine. He'd just have to listen to all the gory details. "Simon joined the choir a few weeks before the plane crash. He kept to himself but he wasn't like Roger exactly…he responded when he was talked to but he rarely initiated anything. He also wouldn't say anything in front of the entire choir; like if you were talking to him alone he would be fine but he was a mess in front of a crowd."

"Why were you so mean when you knew he was bad in front of a crowd? You could have helped in out instead of taunting him," Ralph pointed out.

"I'm getting there!" Jack's anger flared up briefly and Ralph fell silent. Jack took a deep breath. "The conductor of the choir wasn't comfortable with him wandering around like he always did…you know how he was…when he wasn't singing in practice, he was everywhere, climbing everything…the conductor didn't want him to get in trouble or break anything so he made me his 'mentor'. More like babysitter. Simon was much more calm after he found out someone was constantly watching him. He even sat next to me a lot afterwards in choir."

Jack stared down at the crushed cup in his hand thoughtfully. "This kept going for some time. I thought maybe Simon was afraid of me since he'd never talk to me or anything but I found out later he didn't have anything to say so he said nothing. He was a strange kid but he grew on me.

"Then one day after choir practice, his ride didn't come so I had to walk him home. It was quiet and uneventful…then we reached his house and he…" Jack paused and his freckles were temporarily lost in a sea of pink.

"What?"

"He kissed me. It was really fast but he still did it. I asked him why he did and he just gave me a funny look and said, 'Isn't that what I'm supposed to do after you've walked me home?' He was always funny, that kid. He didn't seem very serious about it and it was on the cheek so I decided to forget about it. But then afterwards I always watched him for the signs…I don't know…he listened to me when he didn't listen to everyone else…he was much quieter around me than anyone else so that sometimes I'd forget he was even there. Like I said, he grew on me."

"Grew on you like…you started liking him?"

Jack glared at Ralph, as if the latter had suggested something indecent. "No," he said, rather forcefully, too forcefully to be believed, in fact. "I said he _grew on me_. There's a difference."

Ralph decided not to pursue the idea.

"We…hung around each other a lot more after that. I went over to his house sometimes for 'choir' practice…" Jack's freckles disappeared under a red blush. Ralph nodded understandingly, something he seemed expert at doing. "We got really close…I…" Jack faltered and fell silent.

This time, Ralph let the silence wait out.

"Then we set out as a choir for Cambridge. He was quiet that day…believe it or not, after we were…you know…he talked a lot more. But that day he got really quiet and we were sitting together near the back. The other boys already knew what was going on and kind of pushed us into the back of the plane. He was really reserved and kind of looked scared so I asked him what was wrong.

"He didn't want to answer me at first and said everything was fine, but I knew it wasn't. I kept asking and then out of the blue, he said we had to end it and start spending more time apart. I didn't know where this came from. Everything had been fine up until then and I had to ask him why.

"He looked at me calmly and said, "I don't think we're all going to make this one," and he always spoke in weird riddles like that so I told him to stop being so stupid and…" Jack's voice lowered in embarrassment, "and give me a kiss, but he kept saying that we should stop being so close and actually got up and changed seats."

Jack stared down at the floor. "I didn't know what happened so I just let him go. Everything was fine until…the plane…you know…crashed. And then somehow, all the choir boys ended up on the same part of the island. So I gathered them all together and did roll call, although I knew all of them were there, I had to make sure…Simon…was there. The boys scattered around to find other survivors and food and I managed to get some time alone. I told him that I understood what he said and asked him how he could possibly have known and said that no matter what we were going to make it through this. But not matter what I said, we had to stay apart if I didn't want things to crash down. Before I could even ask him what he meant when you blew the conch…"

At this point, Jack's gaze became hard. "And then we met you. You. I was happy to find other survivors and I respected you at first. You seemed to have some kind of natural born authority. But you were too much of a talker. You thought things out and talked so much…I more of a doer. I just do things spur of the moment. But there was something about you…I couldn't figure it out…something about you that just made Simon flock to you. I never understood what you had that I didn't. He quickly replaced me with you."

Ralph stared at him.

"I let him faint that one time when we met you because I was frustrated he wouldn't tell me much. Everything after that was out of spite…what did you have?" Jack burst out, his voice rising in the quiet break room. "How could…"

"Nothing happened," Ralph said quietly. "He wasn't interested in me like that. Everything he did, he did for you. He made sure there was order so you wouldn't have to worry. And he tried to talk to you. After the beastie event with the littluns, he tried to talk to you. Tried to tell you something, but you wouldn't listen. That's why he tried to talk in front of everyone so you would be forced to listen, but he couldn't do it. You didn't let him."

"You didn't listen to him either," Jack said miserably.

"I didn't," Ralph said. "I wish I did, but I didn't. And that's how it ended up. Nothing happened, Jack," he repeated.

"Then why did he stay with you after we split?"

"He didn't want us to split. After you left, he went off. I tried to follow him but he just wandered into the forest. I think he was crying but I wasn't sure. He wanted you to stay, I think. Even when he had discovered something and wandered to fire…it was _your_ part of the island he went to warn first. He knew we were on different parts, but he somehow went over to your part first. He didn't know what would happen to him…"

"He probably did." Jack stared at the destroyed, contorted cup. "He always had ways to know something before it happened."

There was an awkward silence. Ralph cleared his throat. "Well…no use thinking about it now. That's what Piggy said. And now he's gone too…" Ralph trailed off before continuing. "We'll be hitting land in no time, so we should start getting cleaned up." He stood up and hesitated. "You coming?"

Jack shook his head. "I'll come in a bit."

"Alright." Ralph started off to the door and turned once he got there. "If it's any condolence I'm sure you were the last thing on his mind before…" Ralph couldn't bring himself to say the word, laced with pain and difficulty and left it hanging as he left the room.

"Fuck." Jack let the word out, one he had been holding for some time. He threw the cup across the room and it hit the door with a heartless thump before falling to the floor. There was a sound coming from the corridor just past the door and Jack heard it as one of the choir boys – he couldn't tell who by the voice anymore – singing something to Percival, who seemed to have started crying again. Frowning in remembrance that this was the song Simon had gotten a solo for but had refused to sing in front of the community, Jack tried to block it out of his head but it became too great and started to reverberate across the entire ship.

"_Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me…I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see…"_

End

note: This was written over the span of a few days since i couldn't find time to write it. it might be a bit off. but i was disappointed that NO ONE would exploit the idea that there were CHOIR BOYS. i mean, that's fun to play with! Anyway, thank you for reading and review, please!


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